Vice President Dick Cheney
VISIONARY PLANS: A profoundly selfless practitioner of NATION BUILDING.
|FEARLESS MILITARY HAWKISM:
Vice President Richard B. Cheney has had a long and distinguised career erasing the inconvenient lines separating business and
government. Not only has he reported directly to four Presidents and many prominent government contractors, he has also served as an elected
U.S. Congressman. Throughout his professional life, Mr. Cheney has consistently personified duty, personal enrichment, and
unswerving partisanship – gaining him the respect of the defense and petrochemical lobbies during both Bush recessions.
Mr. Cheney was born in Lincoln, Nebraska, on January 30, 1941, and grew up in Casper, Wyoming. It was there, in that rugged
outpost of simulated Old West authenticity, that Dick Cheney imprinted on the wholesome heartland of America, defining himself
inexorably with its people and way of life, then promptly getting as far away as was profitably possible – Washington, DC.
Though a stint at Yale University was cut short by his flunking out, Mr. Cheney fortunately had the foresight to scribble
Rolodex® cards for each of his dorm mates whose fathers were prominent Nazi sympathizers and war profiteers. Thusly, he forged
a permanent connection with George H.W. Bush, among others, and was able to leverage his embarrassingly inferior University of
Wyoming degree into a choice post in the ethically (and seminally) spotless administration of Richard Milhous Nixon.
Not long after Gerald Ford uneventfully assumed the Presidency in August 1974, Mr. Cheney was appointed Deputy Assistant to
the President. Shortly thereafter, he ascended to the role of Assistant to the President and White House Chief of Staff,
in which capacity he was responsible for caddying both the President's golf clubs and First Lady's Quaalude canisters for
the remainder of the Ford Administration.
Following the election of the buck-toothed dwarf Jimmy Carter in 1976, Mr. Cheney beat a hasty retreat to his home state of
Wyoming. There, he ran successfully for the state's sole seat in the U.S. House of Representatives by aggressively contrasting
his own tough, hook-festooned fly-fishing attire with the faggy cardigans of the despised peanut farmer masquerading as America's
Commander-in-Chief. Mr. Cheney would go on to be re-elected five times, also serving as House Minority Whip and Chairman of the
Republican Conflict of Interest Initiative. During his tenure in the House, Mr. Cheney earned a reputation as a man of thinning
hair, expanding beltline, and asphyxiating Arby's® take-out halitosis.
Serving as President George H.W. Bush's Secretary of Defense, Mr. Cheney produced and directed two heavily televised military
campaigns – "Operation Unruly Mexi-Rican Puppet" in Panama and "Operation Unruly Camel Jockey Puppet" in Iraq.
Unfortunately, the fickle public was prematurely distracted from these triumphs by the new fall season of "Cagney & Lacy,"
leading to an electoral trouncing that sent both Secretary Cheney and his non-effete President packing back to Texas in January of 1993.
For the latter half of the 1990's, Mr. Cheney served as CEO for the Halliburton Corporation, whose Board of Directors tasked him
with the back-breaking task of conducting multiple 10-minute speakerphone conference calls per day with his good pals on the
Senate Appropriations Committee. Ever the man of selfless sacrifice, and despite Halliburton's fevered protestations, Mr.
Cheney insisted on having his annual compensation packaged capped in the low eight figure range.
Mr. Cheney married aspiring lesbian erotica author Lynne Ann Vincent in 1964. They currently reside at a secure undisclosed location.