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VAST INTELLECT: As so indisputably evidenced in the YALE TRANSCRIPT.
MORAL PURITY: Not merely legendary, it's also a matter of MUNICIPAL RECORD.
SERVICE: Gaze in patriotic awe upon our fearless leader's MILITARY RECORD.

President George W. Bush

George W. Bush is the 43rd President of the United States. He was sworn into office by the Rehnquist Supreme Court on January 20, 2001, after a campaign in which he unveiled inspiringly unspecific plans to never ejaculate in the Oval Office, transform America's public schools into Protestant madrassas, bestow the budget surplus on our patriotic defense contractors, transform Social Security and Medicare into vague memories, and systematically shatter the wall separating church and state.

President Bush served for six years as the 46th Governor of the State of Texas, where he earned a reputation as a man of unbeatable name recognition with a massive campaign war chest. There, he shaped policy based on the principles of big-balled rodeo justice, eminent domain, petrochemical exhaust rights, and bountiful lethal injections.

President Bush was born on July 6, 1946, in New Haven, Connecticut. And though he would conquer puberty while enduring the company of the mere commoners of Midland and Houston, he never forgot his roots – reveling in the gritty authenticity of his colossal trust fund and making it a point to spend over a decade in the down-home, Regular Joe surroundings of Phillips Andover Academy, Yale University, and Harvard University.

Since taking office, President Bush has proven himself to be a pillar of masculine determination – never allowing little things like exploding deficits, economic deflation, or skyrocketing unemployment to sway him into re-examining a fiscal plan devised during the heady boom months of 1999. Indeed, even while staring into the gaping maw of the specter of a 21st Century Great Depression, our God-appointed leader has been resolute in his strategy to provide his most affluent brethren with ample opportunities to pay cash when buying the latest model Lamborghini for their 8-car ski villa garages.

The attacks of September 11th changed America – and every third sentence of President Bush's speeches – forever. In his own words, "Terrorism is terrible, but we're gonna smoke 'em out of their holes!" And though well over two years later, Osama bin Laden remains burrowed snug inside his hole, that has not prevented America from tangential pursuits of other hell-bound Muslims the Bush family hates, like Saddam Hussein.

Already, the United States has established bustling new colonies in both Afghanistan and Iraq, each of which will serve as important bases of operation for our righteous crusade to liberate the Middle East from self-determination. In the President's words, "We will convert the sand monkeys to Christianity and unburden them of their oil, by our sheer strength of firepower. We will not tire, we will not falter, and we will not fail."

President Bush is married to Laura Welch Bush, a woman who will keep her place and never run for the Senate. They also have twin daughters, two photogenic lap dogs, a full line of flag-emblazoned merchandise, and more money than God.


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