First Lady Laura Bush
Laura Welch Bush has absolutely no intention of ever running for the Senate. She has never and will never
express opinions that are political in nature. She will never traitorously disparage Tammy Wynette and/or the
all-American art of baking cookies. She will never be so presumptuous as to think that she should ever go poking
her nipples into stuff like healthcare reform. She will never write a book called "Living History." She is not
a lesbian. Furthermore, when not not being a lesbian, she will never take a lover named Vince Foster, then murder him and dump
his body in Fort Marcy Park. She will never give birth to a daughter with a giant head of frizzy auburn pubic hair.
Mrs. Bush values reading. She reads. She also talks about reading. She writes about reading. But most importantly,
she gets her picture taken while reading. She thinks people should read. Children should read, too. So should
geriatrics and teens and baby boomers. Mrs. Bush knows that not reading is the leading cause of illiteracy. She
read that somewhere.
As First Lady of Reading, Mrs. Bush has actively promoted her favorite cause tirelessly. Through her national
initiative called "Reading Readers Who Read Readings," she stresses that readings, left unread, negatively
impact readable readership. In fact, people should understand that reading is the best way for readers to
learn to read. And that goes double for people who can't read! Indeed, many years of reading have convinced
Mrs. Bush beyond a shadow of a doubt that reading stimulates the absorption of words.
Mrs. Bush is also interested in women's health issues - particularly heart disease, hangover remedies, and anything
else that has nothing to do with S-E-X. In Texas, she worked with the Governor's Spouse Program of the National
Governors Association to promote innovative teen education programs dedicated to enlightening girls to the fact
that not only does masturbation cause festering cystic acne, but that premarital penis contact can result in
getting dropped from the cheerleader squad and/or spontaneous combustion.
Mrs. Bush also urges people to follow in her footsteps and become teachers - for one whole year. Well, nine months -
because teachers get summers off. They also get weekends and all federal and state holidays off. Factor in
week-long winter and spring breaks, personal vacation days and sick days, not to mention snow days and nuke
pox scares, and you're looking at an entire career compressed into just 31 weeks of actually having taught.
Mrs. Bush is proud to serve as a shining example of someone with the courage and commitment to devote 155 whole
days to enduring close proximity to children too poor to afford even a mediocre boarding school.
Mrs. Bush attended Southern Millionarie's University in Dallas, Texas. Afterwards, she spent several years
doing stuff related to reading and teaching before meeting George Walker Bush in the autumn of 1977. Five
weeks later, they were married. Five years after that, she made the now-famous ultimatum to her bourbon-smitten
spouse: "It's Jack Daniels or me." And though the ensuing negotiations were difficult, Mrs. Bush not only
prevailed, but also ensured that her own extramarital dalliances with the swarthy Jose Cuervo were exempted
from the agreement.
Today she brings her ability to read, her love of reading and her interest in literacy to a much broader audience
as the wife of the 43rd President of the United States, George W. Bush.