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For Immediate Release    -    Office of Media Relations    -    September 2, 2004    -    11:16 PM (EST)


THE PRESIDENT: Mr. Chairman, delegates, fellow citizens: I am satisfied by your glassy-eyed worship, and I accept your nomination for President of the United States.


When I said those words four years ago, none of us could have envisioned what these years would bring. In the heart of this great city, we saw tragedy arrive on a quiet morning. That means 9/11, in case you were wondering. I originally wanted to bring it up in my first sentence, but Karl thought we should wait until the fifth sentence to avoid the appearance of grotesque and morbid exploitation. So we compromised and put it in the third.


Since 9/11, I have strived with every fiber of my being to give Americans every opportunity to not forget that terrible, horrifying morning. To live every waking hour of every day as if it's that exact moment on 9/11 that you first realized, with dumbfounded disbelief, that those buildings were falling down. The moment you felt overwhelmed by numbing terror with the knowledge that the unimaginable was not only possible, but that you personally were facing hordes of bloodthirsty arabs swarming through your cul de sac to hack your loved ones to pieces with machetes. The moment my approval ratings soared, pulled heavenwards on the angel wings of freshly crushed and minced firefighters and policemen. Fortunately, America's heartland has cooperated – and today, three years later, 47.3% of likely voters are indeed still tearily hypnotized by that emotionally pornographic moment.


Now you'd think that the people who actually live in New York City – which remains the number one target for terrorists – would join us, their red state countrymen, in our glorious orgy of eternal Dockers-soiling paranoia. You'd think that they too would be so paralyzed by fear, they would continuously worship at the temple of my steely squint, and hunger for the Jesus-ordained privilege to cast their ballots for Bush/Cheney '04. And yet, for reasons I will never understand, I stand as good a chance of winning this city as Trent Lott does taking top honors at the Apollo Theatre amateur night.


They say that New York City is filled with the very best and the brightest – people who come from all over America because they would rather die than live in the lousy, small-minded backwater towns that you delegates and I love to call home. And yet, for all their supposed smartitude, New Yorkers are the least afraid of terrorism. Well that's OK, because tonight, in this arena, this heavily fortified oasis of right-wing heaven, there may only be a few thousand of us, but we can generate enough terror over terror to more than cover all 8 million residents of greater New York!


Two months from today, voters will make a choice based on the sound bytes of cable news talking heads, jingoistic and misleading campaign commercials, and a fuzzy fantasy about with which dude they'd rather suck down a 12-rack of Coors. Tonight, rather than subject you to a boring progress report on my 2000 campaign promises, I will make all-new ones, and leave it my baby brother Jebber to pick up the pieces in 2008.


I am running for President with a clear and positive plan to accomplish totally quantifiable stuff: like increasing goodness by 500%, tripling overall happiness, and boosting America's immunity to evil by 4,783%. I am running with a compassionate conservative philosophy: that colored dime bag dealers should be executed, but with an uplifting and reassuring final prayer. That every day, government should spend like Immelda Marcos in a Fayva, yet each month pay only the minimum on the Visa balance. I believe this Nation wants Stetson-wearing, codpiece-filling, monosyllabic leadership – and that is why, with your help, we will win this election.


The times in which we live and work are changing dramatically. People in my parents' generation typically had one trust fund, with one sure thing legacy college – often with one Ivy League university that provided the grade-inflated transcript required to land your first six-figure internship. And most of those people were men, whose pert Stepford wives knew well enough to stay at home, bake cookies, and swallow with gusto. But today, things are changing, and not for the better. Which is why we need new plans to recapture the glory of what America once was, and can most certainly be again.

My plan begins with ensuring a growing economy. Sure, it hasn't grown under my watch at all, but that's because we inherited a recession back in 2001. And it takes awhile to turn things around. How long? As long as it takes. It might not happen in my next term, and it might not even happen in my Republican successor's two terms. But it will happen, and until it does, just remember that we inherited it. Sure, Bill Clinton only needed one half of his first term to turn around my Poppy's recession – which was even worse than this one. But America knows better than to ever again recklessly duplicate the policies of a man who let a big fat ugly Jew girl suck his dick.

To create jobs, my plan will exempt America's mega-corporations from virtually all Federal taxes. With their compensation packages adjusted accordingly, America's CEO's will not rest until they have done everything in their power to let wealth trickle down to an ever-expanding work force of yacht-scrubbers, beach house handy men, and country club janitorial staffers.


As I've traveled the country, I've met several carefully vetted, die-hard Republicans who have apologized to me for not making larger campaign donations, on account of their health insurance costs are so high. Of course, as a member of a political family that rails against big government, yet still accepts its lifetime pensions and free nationalized health care, I must admit I have some difficulty relating to this. But still, I hate to see good TV ad money go to waste, so in my second term, I will take concrete steps towards establishing programs that make it easy for business owners to shift the burden of paying for health care onto their employees – at least the ones they haven't outsourced yet.

In a new term, we will change outdated labor laws to offer comp-time and flex-time. Our laws should never stand in the way of a more family-friendly workplace. In case that's too hopelessly vague, what I'm trying to say is we're doing everything we can go get rid of that whole "overtime" thing, with all the unpleasant "time and a half" costs which have such deleterious side effects on the bottom lines of my most generous corporate backers. And what better way to make that palatable than by suggesting that working overtime hours to get the money you need to feed your children is somehow harmful to "family."


Another priority for a new term is to build what I like to call an "ownership society" – because we Americans just love to buy and own stuff. And thanks to my administration's policies, Wal-Mart's shelves are now overflowing with all the plastic Chinese trinkets anyone could ever need. Yet tonight we set a new goal: a new Wal-Mart in every town, so more American families need never know the confusion and heartbreak of having to shop at puny specialty stores with inadequate RV parking.

Tonight, I remind every parent and every teacher, I say: I believe every child can learn abstinence, creationism, and the geocentric flat earth theory, and that every parochial school must have greater opportunities to suckle at the sweet teat of taxpayer gravy. And so we will continue on our mission to remodel America's education system on the Houston public schools, where Secretary Ron Paige proved that improving student performance is indeed possible, if only one motivated administrator can garner the courage to rename the right columns on a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet.

And since this is an election year, and I'm desperate to sway every last pork-loving Democrat I can, I want to promise a slew of new programs: early intervention programs to help students at risk, expanding Pell grants for low and middle income families, free government health insurance programs for children, doubling the size of job training programs, increasing funding for community colleges, and on and on and on. Of course, it goes without saying that more tax cuts for billionaires come before any of this stuff, so who knows how we'll pay for it. But who cares? As President, I get to define Republicanism however I want, and effective immediately, I say that fiscal responsibility is for pussies.


Anyone who wants more details on my agenda can find them online. The web address is not very imaginative, but it's easy to remember:

And so in eight short weeks, America will face a choice: my opponent John Kerry, who speaks French and eats aborted fetuses for breakfast – and me, who talks regular and isn't some priss who needs to wash his hands every time he takes a whizz.

The thing about John Kerry is, he's a flip-flopper.

(Laughter. Chants of "flip-flop!")

That's right, wave those flip-flops! The camera men eat that stuff up! You know, instead of flip-flopper, we originally wanted to call him "poodle boy." Unfortunately, when Madison Square Garden nixed our plan to hand out dead poodle puppies for you folks to wave around, we went with the next best thing.

Anyway, yeah, John Kerry's policies are dramatically different from ours. If you can believe it, this guy is so wishy-washy, that he actually changes his mind about stuff when circumstances change! Not me. I stick to my original plans no matter what. When I decide to take a long drive in my car, and that little light starts blinking telling me that the engine's about to explode, I don't stop! But John Kerry, he'd see that light, and he'd change his mind about taking that long drive. He'd actually stop and do something about it!


I know! Crazy, right? If I decide to dig a well to supply drinking water to my house, and one day I turn on the faucet and out bubbles a steaming cup of radioactive pig shit, I'm still going to drink it! But John Kerry, you can bet your bottom dollar that he'd flip-flop right there and then, say he was not supporting that well anymore!


In these dangerous times, America cannot afford that kind of indecision.


Furthermore, Senator Kerry's policies of tax and spend – of collecting government money before actually spending it – are the policies of the past. The present and future are about spend and spend – and we are not turning back.

Senator Kerry is from Faggsachusetts, a state that has moved aggressively to give queers special rights. Namely, the right to pretend they deserve to be equal to folks like you and me. That, my fellow Americans, we cannot abide. And that is why I am supporting a Constitutional Amendment supporting Biblical principles regarding marriage. Because in the end, marriage is about love, and when you hate someone as much as normal people hate homos, there's nothing quite so sadistically delicious than depriving them of the right to love. Well, except depriving them of the right to not be brutally gay-bashed.

(Applause, Knowing Laughter.)

But listen, I could go on and on about John Kerry and how that traitor coward can and will get every last American murdered by Allah-loving kooks if he gets elected. But you know what, it's been almost ten minutes since I mentioned TERROR, so let's close on that, eh?


To everything we know there is a season – a time for progress, a time for cooperation, a time for truth. And now is the time for none of those. Indeed, now is a time for glorious xenophobia and ultimate saber rattling. For by flipping the bird to the world, we may make everyone hate us, but at least we won't we'll know who to kill next. Like generations before us, we have a calling from Jesus's daddy, who at this moment is reclining in his chaise lounge made of clouds, and wants us to revel in the knowledge that He loves only one country best – the United States of America.

Now we go forward – grateful for God's preferential treatment, yet acutely aware that we are all still living in that 9/11 moment of ultimate horror, resigned to the inevitability of another always-hovering catastrophe that will make my approval ratings soar 45%. Or just 22.5% per skyscraper, if needed. On November 1st. At either the Chrysler building or Sears Tower.

God bless you, and may God continue to bless America.


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