MAYOR GIULIANI: Good evening, and welcome to The Big Apple!

(Applause.)

Or as most of you pudgy white suburban evangelicals now call it: Terrortown, USA.

(Applause, Scattered Weeping.)

I am honored to stand here before you, as one of our party's #1 electorate mindfucks. Moderate democrats look at me, and they see a middle of the road superhero who once slithered into pantyhose to court the Manhattan sodomite vote. And most of you red state folks look at me, and see a guy whose last name starts with "jew." Man, that Karl Rove is really doing some fancy campaign gymnastics this year, isn't he?

(Applause.)

I trust that nobody's been bothered by the laughably tiny groups of protesters on the streets. If there's one thing the NYPD learned when I was mayor, it's that my brilliant blueprint for "Operation Bulldoze the Homeless Into the East River" can also be applied to handling America-hating dissenters!

(Applause.)

That said, in the highly unlikely event any of you find yourselves confronted by an uppity Democrat, simply blow the diamond-encrusted Halliburton "panic" whistle attached to your convention lanyard, and an elite S.W.A.T. unit will instantly materialize to gently reeducate the offending riffraff with a nice Abner Louima colonoscopy.

But enough about my happy memories. It's time to get down to serious business. How about that crazy 9/11™, huh?

(Rapturous Applause.)

You know, just the other day, President Bush and I were on the phone discussing my 2008 presidential run, and we were both struck by how much a little thing like mass murder and giant skyscrapers falling down can change things.

Like me, for instance. On 9/10, I was just a washed-up lame duck with a glow-in-the-dark prostate. Hillary Clinton was in my Senate seat, and I was in the middle of an embarrassing and messy divorce. At days end, I'd either skulk through the service entrance to my mistress's co-op, or bed down with a wormy old shih-tzu in the penthouse of two rich homos who had taken pity on me.

But after 9/11™, I was suddenly "America's Mayor." I starred in hundreds of tearjerker documentaries. I earned my Class A certification in Guided Graveyard Tours for Rubbernecking World Leaders. I also nearly convinced New York to abandon democracy altogether and appoint me Eterna-Mayor. But most importantly, after all that carnage and destruction, I somehow became an instant expert on preventing carnage and destruction – signing scores of multi-gazillion dollar consulting contracts as a result.

(Applause.)

And President Bush? He too saw a big change. On 9/10, he was a Commander in Chief without a mandate, without electoral legitimacy, without a chance of ever having his approval rating rise back above 45%. But on 9/11™, as he bravely zig-zagged the country, proactively taking refuge under his Air Force One meal tray, the last of those things changed, and our President was miraculously tranformed into a pillar of mega-manly, anti-terror toughness.

(Applause.)

Of course, let's not forget the one other great benefit of 9/11™. It brought you folks here. Otherwise, I think it's safe to say that our Grand Old Party would have held its convention in some other bastion of moderate diversity – like the Augusta National Golf Club, or the Bob Jones University convention center. But no, instead you're here, bravely risking certain annihilation by terrorists, and gasping the fetid summer air which fills this, the world capital of art and culture and progressive thinking – all that stands anathema to everything our party represents.

(Applause.)

And for that, New York thanks you. Thanks you for your allowing it to be part of your photo ops. Thanks you for providing a much-needed, albeit temporary infusion of sunburnable skin. And most of all, thanks you for your magnanimous trickle-down generosity. Because if there's one thing this city needs, it's a boost in the all-important economic bottom lines of the Plaza and Waldorf Astoria hotels, 5th Avenue tennis bracelet boutiques, the Yale Club coat check, and the classy, understated elegance of Tavern on the Green.

(Applause.)

As we gather here within the densest concentration of liberals on earth, we stand reminded how important it is thatt we stand united behind George W. Bush. Because if we don't, John Kerry will become President. And then, when the next inevitable terrorist attack occurs, all those flag-waving ignoramuses who supported President Bush after 9/11™ will rally behind John Kerry instead – and say that President Bush and the ruling Republican party didn't do squat to prevent terrorism. And if that happens, I wouldn't put it past John Kerry to do something truly disgustingly, like exploiting the tragedy by holding his 2008 convention within spitting distance of the tragedy, practically on the anniversary – even in biohazard suits if necessary.

(Boos.)

But enough about democratic shamelessness. For those of us in the Republican party, which holds the legal patents on patriotism, family, and strength, we know that America is being governed perfectly. And we know that despite any so-called facts about poverty, wage deflation, and surging global anti-Americanism, that we are on the right track.

(Applause.)

And tonight, let us be proud. Because indeed, it is a testament to our strength and security and inclusiveness and progress, that here, in the very same hall where Bill Clinton was nominated in 1992, we Republicans find it necessary to lock down a five block radius and shutter Penn Station beneath us.

(Applause.)

And so, I want to welcome you all to New York City. Please enjoy all appropriate attractions, and exploit it as you see fit. Its days are numbered anyway.

(Laughter and Applause.)

Thank you, and good night!