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Vision: Understanding the New "Sombrero Loophole" for Law-Breaking Foreigners
Vision: United States Patriot Registration - A Bold New Plan for Maximum Security
Vision: Operation Mandatory Patriotic Tattoo - The Fresh Face of Fashionable Fear
Vision: The Foreign Car Buyer Database - Tracking the Trash Amongst Us
Homeland Security Agenda

In the wake of September 11th, 2001, President Bush experienced a life-altering epiphany. Though his entire seven-year political career had been painstaking constructed atop a foundation of vehemently denouncing the perils and inefficiencies of "Big Government," he knew it was time for a change. Specifically, it was time to create the largest bureaucracy in the history of the human race.

Sprung from the fertile recesses of the President's genius, and established by a bipartisan act of Congress, the cabinet-level Department of Homeland Security brings the diligent, hyper-competent pencil-pushers of over 22 government agencies together at last under one roof, where, using the very same top-notch, pre-9/11 CIA and FBI intelligence apparatus that kept America so safe from Allah-possessed kamikazes, they have worked hard to formulate strategies for jump-starting the domestic flashlight and plastic garbage bag markets.

President Bush is well aware that under his watch (and policies), global anti-Americanism has increased exponentially. All around the world, millions more inferior people harbor violent hatred for our great country than did under the previous, semen-spouting administration. Fortunately, rather than wasting valuable face attempting to identify and address the roots of terror, our President has committed himself fully to the notion that his massive new federal bureaucracy is a completely effective means of intercepting every last cargo container and weaponized boxcutter which might otherwise sound the death knell of our Christian nation. Because when you're looking for a nukular needle in a haystack the size Texas, there's no better way to find it than with the same Federal work force whose competence you've so vociferously questioned your entire adult life.

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