THE PRESIDENT: Thanks for the warm welcome, it’s wonderful to be back in the great state of INSERT SOUTHERN STATE HERE. I got a couple of things rattling around in my noggin that I’d like to jaw about with you fine folks here at PREDOMINANTLY CAUCASIAN-STAFFED FACTORY.

I’d like to thank LOCAL CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTING ROBBER BARON for having us here, and I promise to use this time to explain to you, COMPANY NAME AUTOMATONS, how I’m going to TELL THEM WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR while continuing to BACKSLAP OUR GRACIOUS SPECIAL INTERESTS.

Well hot damn. I wasn’t supposed to talk those words. Guess that’s what happens when you watch the new special edition Scarface DVD with your speech writers in the back of Air Force One and shotgun a Silver Bullet every time some Guinea-Rican says "fooock!" Am I right or am I right? Hey boys – next time, fill in the blanks for me, OK? Har, har, har.

Let me just get off my chest what needs saying, without all the fancy words the Democrats love to throw at y’all. Words like "unemployment" and "fiscal responsib-funnydoodle."

You may have recently seen the media reporting at length on our press releases indicating that the economy is shooting heavenward like a geyser of pure Texas crude. And because most of you blew your paltry tax cut moolah on things like diapers, Menthols, and Lotto, my administration can take credit for a fluke third quarter economic surge that we haven’t seen in twenty years – and probably won’t for another twenty.

But believe me when I say, we didn’t see this coming even though we swore it would, and we will milk this quarter gain for all it’s worth. Because we’re Republicans, and we can turn this one quarter into four just by bringing it up over and over, until we almost win again in 2004. I call that Bushonomics – where two bucks on a press release is worth more than zilch in your hand.

This isn’t a lot of smoke and mirrors, though. The economy is strong. Why is it strong? Well, I don’t want to bore you with a bunch of bean counter mumbo jumbo, but basically: I cut taxes for the rich, and as if by magic, it helps y’all. The way you proud Americans spent your Federal bribe was like pouring gasoline on a fire, and as any good, heterosexual Boy Scout will tell you, nothing creates a warm, steady, dependable fire than tossing car juice on a pile of smoldering California Oak twigs.

Now, I'm no fan of "irony" – prefering stark, non-negotiable absolutes like black and white, good and evil, poor and rich, cowboys and injuns. But I'll admit, it's a bit ironical that you working stiffs and a big time world dictator like yours truly have something real in common – we both run our houses on credit. We spend and spend and spend and if we run out of cash, we'll, there's always a way to get more, by either printing it, or in your case, selling your birthright at 11% interest.

VISA stuffs their cards in your greedy little mailboxes like they're giving away free money. Same thing with government. Where are we getting the 87 billion dollars to turn Iraq into a proper, hobbled, helpless veal nation? Hell if I know! I do know this: one main difference between you and me – when VISA calls you, they actually want back more than just the money they gave you. When my debt collector calls, it's Treasury Secretary John W. Snow, and we make plans to play golf.

I never met a tax cut I didn't like. I'm not gonna tax my corporate dominatrixes to pay for a war that will create a new exclusive market for their products and services. And I'm not gonna tax you – at least, not obviously. It's like that pagan British whore sang in that classic psychedelic movie musical about child abuse of yore, "Just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down."

Always remember that economics is magic. Just like geopolitics. And war. I guess that makes me a bit of a magic man, don't it? Of course, in my day, a "magic man" was that colored fella in the rabbit fur trenchcoat who’d roll up in his Lincoln Continental with a briefcase full of "energy dandruff."

Although I’m not technically campaigning yet, which I’ve been saying during every campaign speech I’ve ever given starting with my inauguration, it is still important for me to stoop to meet with you glassy-eyed, patriotic Americans who care enough about their country to vote for me again without question, look you in straight in the peepers – Privileged Yankee blueblood to common unwashed rabble – and say "You might not be better off now than you were three years ago, but an economy that hovers even a micro-fraction above full-blown recession means we’re going to win the war in Iraq. And the Democrats still want to rape your paychecks."

I gotta git to another one of these hootenannys. I’ve enjoyed my time with you, whoever you are, wherever I am. So y’all take care of yourselves. I know I am.

(Applause.)

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