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For Immediate Release    -    Office of Media Relations    -    November 13, 2003    -    1:55 PM (EST)

President Bush's Address to the National Religious Broadcasters Association: "Strengthening America's Exclusive Allegiance to Jesus Christ"

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Thank you, thank you. It's a great pleasure to be back here at the National Religious Broadcasters Association. I want to thank Mrs. Schlafly for that kind introduction, and for sharing her interesting suggestion to exterminate Islam using a weaponized lesbianism vapor. Well I don't care what people say, for a crabby old lizard-broad, Phyllis isn't nearly so stupid as she is just dementia-addled.

(Applause.)

I also want to thank Jars of Clay for the fine musical entertainment. If you can believe it, that's the first time I've ever heard their Christian Rock mega-hit, "Girl, Don't Go You Go Poppin' My Man-Cherry."

(Applause.)

Personally, I can't imagine humiliating yourself by singing in a boy band unless the payoff involves swimming in mad pussy. But whatever. Great stuff, fellas! Let's give Jars of Clay another round of applause!

(Applause.)

On to business. I didn't come here today just because you corporate mega-church broadcasting conglomerates that make up this organization represent a bottomless keg of campaign cash from which I can funnel with abandon. No, I came here today in respectful recognition of the fact that you all are the same folks who bankrolled my election back in 2000, and that you're probably getting a little impatient for some return on your investment.

(Applause.)

That's why, immediately following my re-election to a second term, I am pledging to steamroll legislation through the United States Congress that takes your for-profit, multi-billion-dollar broadcast networks, and reclassifies them as tax-exempt!

(Thunderous Applause. Shouts of "Amen.")

Indeed, and with the billions in tax savings you realize, not only can we protect your executives' collective ability to buy vacation homes that make Versailles look like a crack house, we can also painlessly bankroll our shared agenda to promote all that crazy God stuff that persuades all that gullible trailer trash to keep forking over their life's savings to us!

(Rapturous Applause. Scattered Speaking in Tongues.)

Speaking of God stuff, I know there's some question among the two or three of you who actually care about religion as to whether or not my faith is steadfast. Over the last three years, you've seen me stooping to speak cordially with followers of false gods. You've seen me holding Muslamian Iftaar dinners in the White House. And worst of all, you're seen me on TV saying that Islam is a religion of peace. All very worrisome and ostensibly heretical actions, I'll admit.

Well, my dear radio and televangelist friends, let me assure you that despite all that political mumbo-jumbo, I am still squarely in your camp. I know the truth about Islam, and you can rest assured that my second term will be devoted to aggressively strengthening America's exclusive allegiance to Jesus Christ - the most lucrative messiah ever.

(Applause.)

Because you know, back when Christopher Columbus discovered the United States, it was established from the get-go that this is a Christian nation. And back then, if some trespassing red injun said he didn't believe in Jesus, people did the right thing - and skinned him and his entire village alive. And if a colored witch said she wasn't a witch, people did the right thing - and filled her hoo-hoo with campfire embers before drowning her. Well, let it be known that George W. Bush is on record as thinking we could use a little more of that no-nonsense conventional religious tolerance today!

(Applause.)

And so in closing, I call upon all Fortune 500 Cathedrals that make up the National Religious Broadcasters Association to redouble their efforts to re-elect yours truly. I call upon you to use your stations to unfurl a vast sail of TV and radio propaganda specially formulated to convince your millions-strong heartland audience that progressives and Democrats will stop at nothing until every last American church is firebombed, and every blessed collection plate melted down into perverse buckles for mandatory S&M-themed kindergarten uniforms!

(Boos.)

Working together thusly, we shall once again prevail together in 2004, and establish the long-overdue pluto-theocracy first outlined by dearest poppy back at the 1988 GOP convention in Houston, Texas.

(Applause.)

Thank you, and God Bless America.

(Applause.)

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